orangepeel

Go To The Tension

2010-04-13T13:28:00.000+10:00

In order to help the four-year-old (remember her) fall asleep I have either held her hand or layed down with her. This has occurred for the last FOUR and a HALF years. Yes count them folks. That’s approximately 1,642 days or over 39,000 hours of sitting in the dark anxiously anticipating that moment where she drifts off into wonderland. Well, about 4 weeks ago, my husband and I decided this was going to stop. Sure, there is a part of me that quite likes the cuddle but it would be nice to have some me time … we all know how therapeutic that is!

So I have started moving away from her at sleep time…one space at a time. It’s been a long and arduous journey. This week I’ve made it to the door. I’m looking forward to sitting outside the room and actually shutting the door. I will probably break open a glass of champagne and celebrate the moment…of course I will probably wake her and have to start the whole process again.

The moral of my story dear orangepeel readers, is not that change is a wonderful thing and you should embrace it. No, it has been bloody emotionally challenging and tiring. The point is this… if you know in your heart that something is right for your little person, no matter how big or small the change is….do it and trust yourself and your child.

A psychology lecturer was overseeing me coach someone once. At the end of the session he leant over to me and said ‘Laura, in coaching, you have to go to the tension. Sit with it. See what unfolds.’ I love this concept and use it a lot in coaching. It also comes in handy with kids.

Go to the tension. Sit with it. I promise there are lessons to be learnt. I have literally sat by my daughter as she has screamed at me for the past 4 weeks. While a big part of me has wanted to run to her, in my heart I know I am honoring all of us by giving her the opportunity to fall asleep on her own. I have been sitting with the tension for four weeks. We are still getting there but the gift has been quite profound for me. I think I have been secretly scared of her emotional unleashing (i.e. tantrums) and I am finding that its ok….the storm passes and a peace and understanding between us is unveiled.

Whatever is going on for you and your little person, don’t try to stop the tension, just sit with it. As those great Liverpoodlians once said ‘Let it be.’

Cheers

Laura

Surprise Someone - Let Your Presence Be The Present

2010-03-15T16:23:00.002+11:00

I decided to attend my mother's birthday dinner - as a surprise. She lives near Brisbane and I live in Sydney, approximately 900 kilometres between us. It wasn't a special birthday so it wasn't on her radar that I would be attending. All the better to surprise her with.

In collusion with my step-father, I booked the plane ticket. We both found it difficult to not blurt it out that I was coming to the dinner, he especially since he lived with her and knew how much she was going to enjoy having me there. That created a buzz and excitement for us over the next two months.

Then it also meant, a weekend, well one night and a day away from the family. At the airport, I found the long queues for security, waiting at the gate to board, and then a plane ride for an hour and half by myself, pure luxury. I was carrying a completely gripping novel, The Sorrows of an American by Suri Hustvedt and it meant more reading time. Something I rarely did uninterrupted unless I was on the toilet. When the plane was delayed by fifteen minutes, and the other passengers groaned with impatience, I grinned with the deliciousness of more reading.

I had planned a morning with a friend M. She picked me up from the airport and we sped towards good coffee and good gossip, shopping, gifts and more food. There was excitement just from having a fly-in visit with an old friend.

My sister then picked me up and took me back to her spacious, quiet home. More bliss. An air-conditioned room with a double bed, films and fast cars - driven by her boyfriend.

Then came the moment of surprise. My sister and her boyfriend walked into the restaurant where my mother was already seated with her husband and a good friend. They handed over their gifts and then quickly texted me. I was clandestinely concealed in the back of my sister's sports car, waiting for the signal. Like a regular pro for the Bond movies, I disengaged myself from the secure position and entered the restaurant. I approached their table and stood in front of my mother. She was still unaware of my presence. I said, "I've come to say Happy Birthday in person!"

My mother looked up, and for a moment there was confusion, and then complete joy and surprise. "Jedda! What are you doing here?" She stood up and hugged me, a huge smile across her beautiful face.

My step-father grinned ferociously. He had been keeping this secret for too long and he was glad to finally have it revealed.

The meal was good, the dessert was better. It was three hours we would all remember. Not everyone likes surprises and I'm one of them. I had experienced some trepidation over whether my mother was in my category or the category that completely feel loved by surprises. My mother, I was glad to find out, was in the latter.

To top it off, I slept in, read for an hour in bed, and felt like I'd been away for a week. Though I would prefer not to receive surprises, the zest I felt in delivering one, meant I would always be happy giving them.

Conflicting Goals

2010-02-25T21:42:00.000+11:00

I’ve just put the kids to sleep. Wow. What an afternoon. The four year old spent quite a large percentage of time between 6pm and 7pm crying because she didn’t want rice for dinner. After I begrudgingly whacked a can of beans on toast in front of her, she not only ate the beans but surprise, surprise ate the RICE!! FIGURE IT OUT PEOPLE!!!

I’m Laura and I am a mum, studying Coaching Psychology at Sydney University (remotely) and currently living in Singapore (it’s been 3 months).

I hope to contribute to the life saving blog that Orange Peel is with a few bits of my experiences and some of the great concepts I’ve learnt at uni..god bless the psychology faculty! Just stuff to chew on.

My first installment is about a simple concept called ‘conflicting goals’. I realized the other day how this contributes to the quiet anxiety I feel on an ongoing basis. Trying to meet two goals at the same time. See, even though I blame it on the kids (it’s a mother’s right to) the truth is I do hold responsibility for a significant share of the stress I create in my life.

Like today, I decided to check my emails while the four year old (yes, that is her name ‘the-four-year-old’) was hanging off me asking if she could look at ABC Kids on the Internet. After a few minutes of whining (and holding myself back from thumping her on the head with the laptop….I have a suppressed violent streak) I turned the computer off. Simple. No more stress. Conflicting goals eliminated. I then opened up a space for the 4 year old to tell me what she wanted to do. Draw and cut out cupcakes was the response. Not exactly my idea of a night out but hey, it’s what they pay me for (that’s right they don’t pay me…possibly my next installment).

So I call on you sisters (and brothers) to shine a torch on the tension in your life and consider the conflicting goals that arise in your day. Whether big or small they may be adding more pain than gain to your life. Be brave. Switch one goal off and open up the space for what really matters. It may be your 4 year old. Or it may simply be you.

Until next time,

Laura

Give Up Positive Thinking, Embrace Healthy Release of Feelings and Experience Zest

2010-02-08T22:08:00.006+11:00

It was a week before my daughter, nearly 5, started kindergarten. We were in a cafe and she kept whining she wanted something to eat. She'd just had berries and babycino and there was an apple in front of her. Nothing was really going to fill her up - she was already full - of feelings that needed to be let out.

She picked up a metal menu holder and threw it. I picked her up and took her outside. She began to scream and shout and though at first she was in my arms, she became too physical for me to hold and I put her down where she rolled around on the ground. I kept close and kept watch. She was doing a great job of letting all those feelings out that were keeping her off-track and disconnected and unco-operative.

Now I know what a good tantrum feels like. Amazing. I had one today with a Listening Partner listening to me, because I felt real disappointed about an event that had to be cancelled. And as I was having it I realised just how good it is. I cried out, it's not fair over and over, hit the bed and screamed. I felt the disappointment melt away.

Ever since I'd read The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter and the Parenting by Connection booklets written by Patty Wipfler from Hand in Hand, I'd been aware of the benefits of crying, tantruming, laughing, trembling and shaking with the attention of an adult close by.

Yes, benefits!

Very few parents think, "Fantastic, she's going to have a trantrum at last!" It's usually anticipated and viewed with groans and "Oh my god why does have it to be right now in the middle of the supermarket". But it changed my point of view. Where previously crying was something to be stopped at all costs, I now realised that crying was the outlet for hurt, not the hurt itself. These physical expressions of feelings kept my daughter's internal emotional world clear, kept her thinking well without anxiety and kept us nice and connected. And to be honest, it's so much easier to think my child's doing such a great job getting rid of the icky stuff (and think of all the therapy bills I'm saving!) than to think my child is being naughty because she's having a tantrum, or that she needs to be shut up because crying is noisy.

My daughter has zest! My God, if our parents had known about this, I'd be saving on therapy bills. The good thing is it's not too late. I get to have it too. It's pretty impossible to listen to someone else cry or tantrum or have deep belly laughs or wrestle with them, if no-one is listening to you. So I have listening partners who I can talk to in person or on the phone. They need no training for they offer no advice; they simply encourage me to talk, to cry, to get down on the ground and bang my fists or flail my arms in the air, to tantrum, moan, grown, whine, or laugh deeply and loudly. In the beginning I felt self-conscious and awkward but I kept going. I had no other support that would really help with the emotional side of parenting. It's been a little over a year now and one thing I've noticed is that I am thinking much more clearly. I still feel the resistance to getting on the phone, I still eat bucket loads of sweets rather than talk to someone, or pick at the skin on my fingers and eat my fingernails rather than get on the phone, but more often than not I persuade myself the second best thing is to get with my listening partner.

I hope for my daughter it's the first best thing! I can't stop the hurt and the difficult events that will happen in her life but I can listen to her when she needs to let go of the hurt or rail against how hard something is. And she'll figure out the rest. Once the feelings are listened to, it's pretty easy to get back to the job of good thinking. We now know that the brain's pre-frontal cortex, responsible for regulating emotions, finds its regulating work easiest if these feelings are processed. If they are not, they either go into implicit memory, a type of memory one is not able to recall but which is apparent through patterns of behaviour, sensation and perception. Or it goes into explicit memory which we can recall. Either way, behaviour we find disturbing in our children will restimulate these feelings in us again if they are not processed and lead us to ambivalent or off-track behaviour towards our children.

Thus the cycle continues of patterns of behaviour our children learn from us that are not healthy. So in the interests of zesty individuals, communities and planet earth, find a listening partner or a whole group of parents for example, that will listen, and have a good long cry, have a good long moan, or have a good deep belly laugh.

Over the course of the next week my daughter continued to have good long sessions where she was able to let go of some of her separation anxiety and fear of change/new things. On the first day of school she was able to feel the excitement of it all, and so far has continued to approach school excitedly.

http://www.handinhandparenting.org
http://www.awareparenting.com/
http://www.playfulparenting.com/
http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/
http://www.rc.org

Parenting is the Foundation Policy for all other Policies

2010-01-26T13:38:00.009+11:00

"Fuck you," Naemond yells at the teacher. "You bitch."
His teacher remains calm and tells him to take a walk and then come back to the classroom.

Later that day, Naemond's mother drives him to a corner where drugs are sold.
"This is where you gonna earn us an income," she tells him. "You the man of the family."
Naemond, 14 years old, is silent. A stark contrast to the boy in the classroom.

This horrific scene from Season 4, Episode 7 of The Wire, set in Baltimore, is wisely analysed by Bodie, the drug dealer Naemond will work for.

"After I seen your mother, I know why you is like you is."

The Wire uses no poetic license.

The Daily Telegraph (25/1/10) reports on the age of children committing crime getting younger.

"NSW Police youth command Superintendent Allan Harding said although most youths first broke the law about 14 years of age, police were coming across more and more seven year olds who were finding themselves on the wrong side of the law."

Though poverty, lack of education, bad housing, lack of access to medicare and a system that discriminates against children, minorities and women, make its mark on an individual, by far the greatest cause for Naemond's 'conduct disorder', or seven year olds 'on the wrong side of the law' rests on the type of parenting a child receives.

Good parenting policies are the foundation to better outcomes for other policies. Parenting comes first, not the other way round.

I'm not alone in this view. Dr John Irvine, a leading child psychologist in Australia quotes Dr Jack Westman, author of Licensing Parents: Can We Prevent Child Abuse And Neglect? (Insight Press)

"if we want to reduce violence, crime and welfare dependency then the most important cause is parental abuse and neglect. Incompetent parenting is a much bigger factor in damaged personalities than anything else including poverty, education and bad neighbourhoods." (emphasis mine)

This is well illustrated by the highly acclaimed Harlem Children's Zone in New York. Started by Geoffrey Canada, it offers parents and parent's to be, an eight week course that educates them on how to parent well. HCZ recognised that despite the levels of poverty that exist, when parents are given enough knowledge they turn their child's life around.

Part of this training included learning that physical punishment harms a child and working with alternative forms of discipline, to understanding the importance of reading even just a few books a week to their youngsters. The HCZ now works with 10 000 children from birth to college. The numbers speak for themselves. One hundred percent of children in third grade at their charter school received an average grade point or higher.

Is our work as parents political? Hell yeah. The current political emphasis is on getting parents back to work as soon as possible after a child's birth so that the country's productivity remains high. A short term solution which is creating long term problems. Putting money into creating more prison space, more hospital beds, better weapons, more programs for dysfunctional children and youth is only a solution if an even greater amount of money and a total societal approach is given to making parenting the highest priority.

Again, Dr Jack Westman says:

"... childrearing homes are the keys to reducing our social, educational, health, and mental health problems. For each child they raise to become a productive citizen, families contribute over $1.2 million to the economy. In contrast, each neglected and abused child who becomes a burden for our nation costs the economy over $2.4 million. Struggling families contribute to 26% of state and 45% of county expenditures."

How should our approach be? The Baha'i Writings puts it beautifully:

"Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom."

We are not just talking about formal academic education here. The Baha'i Writings specifically state that parents are the child's first educators. If we paid more attention to giving children the parenting they need, many of the aforementioned issues would need less attention.

Parents need better and more support:

1 - More and better knowledge on best practice parenting, given free to all;
2 - More resources such as childhood centres that are part of every community. These centres would provide specific parenting initiatives and give access to midwives, counsellors, doctors, and childhood educators;
3 - Intellectual stimulation in the way of a university of the third age where parents could attend interesting courses during the daytime, an hour or two a week, on for example architecture or philosophy, with short, casual childminding available for the attendant;
4 - More emotional support for the parents, for the work they do in the present with children, as well as work on old patterns of parenting they were given;
5 - Better parental leave for both mother and father during the child's first three years (0-3 years).

So what does this have to do with putting more zest into our lives for heaven's sake? Acknowledgement. Our work is unpaid and there are no holidays. And when we feel, deep in our bones, that the work we do is not recognised for what it truly is, part of our life force is sapped.

To all of you parents goes my complete gratitude to you for caring so much for your children and for doing the best you can under the circumstances.

This is the most important work we will do. For ourselves, for our children, for our world.

"Compare the nation of the world to the members of a family. A family is a nation in miniature. Simply enlarge the circle of the household and you have the nation. Enlarge the circle of nations and you have all humanity." Baha'i Writings

A Nude Swim to toast the New Year in.

2010-01-12T11:51:00.004+11:00

I sat crosslegged on the sand in front of the lagoon, watching seagulls craw at each other madly, black swans glide with grace and reserve, and a large black bighting fly buzz round me mercilessly. I had set my timer for five minutes and I was trying to meditate. For me five minutes was a step up from nothing but it was proving difficult.

What was it today that irked me? I posed the question and almost as quickly the response came back. I was bored. Boredom is one of the worst emotions humans can experience. Over the other side of the lagoon was a two-kilometre beach. I couldn’t hear the waves and that was a good sign. Perhaps this morning it would be calm. I could go skinny-dipping.

The idea thrilled me. For just a minute. Then I watched as the protestations marched in: Never swim alone! The warning resounded in my mind. I knew that it could be dangerous and yet it was this element that excited me. Other protests nagged me too: It was immodest. No-one knew where I was. It was a childish thing to do. Despite the warnings, or because of them, I picked up my bag and trudged along the dusty path to the beach.

My mind, I could see, could just as easily keep me in a state of boredom when all around me - and particularly today as I was camping in a national park - there were things to keep my mind sparked. Nature was God’s playground, I thought. It was as if God was saying to me, “Look, I went crazy with all my creative energy. I’ve got so much creativity I can’t contain it. Here’s a hundred different birds each with different colours and beaks and wing types, here are kangaroos and snakes that can harm you. I can’t stop now, I've got so many ideas.”

At the end of the woods filled with short brittle trees I climbed the rickety wooden stairs to the top of the sand dune. There in front of me, majestic and sweeping, was the vast sea. The wind had not yet woken, neither had the other campers. I had this calm vastness all to myself. I took off my clothes hesitantly and walked to the water’s edge. The water was warmer than I had expected and against my skin, it was delicious. I walked further in, crouched down and grinned.

This was too good to do only once. The next early morning, I brought another mum and we relished the sea on our bodies again. With someone else I felt more confident, swum further out, and jumped the waves, breasts bouncing freely and gleefully. I laughed out loud. It was wonderful to feel so alive. What could I give to others, to my children, when I felt refuelled? And I had to admit, the element of danger, of breaking unwritten rules gave me a thrill, something like a beetroot, carrot and spirulina boost for the spirit.

It was the first week of the New Year and it seemed to me no better way to usher it in.

One Night in Heaven....:)

2009-12-21T21:18:00.000+11:00

Kids rolling over my head and tummy at 5.30 in the morning, yelling get up Mum, get up and play with me. Kids not going to sleep when I want them to, leaving me with only enough time to clean up the house before going to bed myself. A week of my husband working late at night meant no time out for me. So I booked myself into the Hilton for a night and was lucky enough to take another Mum with me.

Ironically, I was sad to leave my family. My husband had to push me, and the small blue back pack I carried, out the door. I took the train to the hotel and in the ultra modern room with twin beds I lay back against two soft pillows and listened to the hum of the air-conditioner’s white noise. The only noise I could hear. The silence enveloped me like a hug. My friend arrived and my sadness disappeared.

We dined at Wagamama’s and talked unhurriedly and without interruption. I flipped through books in Kinokiniya like a kid in a candy store. We shared, with complete relish, a desert of toffee soufflé, brownie icecream and Spanish churizos. I had a sense as I went to sleep that night, that home was a good, secure place, a place where my family was, a place where I could be myself and feel completely and utterly loved. It was good to come away and give myself that perspective.

The real feeling of rest did not come until the next morning. I woke without being pounced on. A novelty I could get used to. I did ten laps and lazed around in the spa. I could get used to that too. Later, after I read the newspaper (without it being flicked or ripped away from me) over a truly five star buffet breakfast, I felt bliss begin to creep into my body. But it was after we meditated that I sighed and relaxed. I wished I had started my stay with meditation for it filled my bones with rest. Ahhhhh. To feel rested. I wished I had another night but it was enough for now to know that a spell away was exactly what I’d needed.

Rejuvenation is a priority

2009-12-07T20:43:00.001+11:00

The words Time Management used to send a chill up my spine. Too corporate. Too much about lists, about carving up chunks of time into smaller and smaller pieces. Serendipitously, this last week I’ve been blessed to read Balanced Living for Busy Baha’is by Catherine Brooker and listen to a webinaire on Time Management for Mother Writers, hosted by SheWrites and presented by Rebecca Rodskog.

What struck me most powerfully was that ‘to do’ lists need to come from ‘to be’ lists. First I needed to know what was most important for me in my life, what were my priorities. When it came to mothering, I realised I wanted to be relaxed, stress-free, creative and fun. I observed that when I put too much into my day, when I was trying to do too much I became stressed and far more likely to get angry with the children.

Instead of Time Management being about getting more done in my day, it became about what will help me to be as relaxed and creative as possible. On a practical level it meant packing bags, lunches etc, the night before, not doing laundry in the morning, so that my morning had as few things to do as possible. It meant being realistic about how long things take to do with children. It’s a ten minute walk to the preschool – for me. This included pestering and prodding my daughter to walk faster and stop dawdling, with me getting more and more irritated that we’d be late. When I realised it was a twenty minute walk for her, allowing for her pace, for walking on fences and picking up leaves, then we all arrived at school feeling relaxed.

Rejuvenation is also key to keeping relaxed. Many of us are putting 80%, if not more of our time into our family. That level of care is not sustainable unless we also make rejuvenation a priority for ourselves. I suggest a zestful activity twice a week but if this is not going to be possible, once will suffice.

Most importantly, once you’ve planned a time for yourself, let your partner and kids know when it will occur and get their support. That time is carved out for you. Commit to it and see how it makes this work that is mothering, not just sustainable but a place of ideas, of meditative moments, of whimsy and a conversation with the world at large. J (next week I blog about a banghra dance party)

Swim through witching hour (literally) – a good one for daylight savings

2009-11-23T20:08:00.001+11:00

Here’s our latest “thing” and I would totally recommend you try it out as your challenge…

About twice a week, we (my husband, my two kids and I) all go to the pool at the end of the day (usually straight from day-care/work).

We take turns doing laps (which are therapeutic in and of themselves) while the other watches over the kids. Then we give them their shower right there (most pools have special family changing rooms, with plenty of space and nice warm water), have dinner (either at the swimming pool or at a shopping centre next door), put their pyjamas on, brush their teeth and head back home.

Half way through the drive the kids are already fast asleep. When we get home, we just have to put then in bed, and enjoy the rest of the evening – no dishes to wash, no toys to pack away, no cajoling into the shower, no bedtime stories… *heaven* J

It does take a little bit of organising (packing pool bag, pjs, toothbrushes, etc), but I just keep the two bags always ready: one with pool stuff and one with pjs and toothbrushes, and just make sure I organise them again straight away every time we come home. Totally worth it! J

First Time to Hire A BabySitter

2009-11-16T13:13:00.010+11:00

I knew one thing. I needed time to out with my husband alone more than once a year when his parents came from England or my parents came from Queensland.

I had a recommendation from a friend for a babysitter and I booked her in. When she arrived, I knew the grandmotherly figure was perfect. The kids were in safe hands.

We left our sleeping children, walking ten minutes up hill to Dulwich Hill, holding hands under the starry sky to an Egyptian Restaurant. The food was delicious and despite feeling tired from night weaning, I was out, alone, with my husband.

We followed one simple rule - Five (5) minutes of talk about the kids and after that they were a no go zone. It did stretch me for the first few minutes and my mind did wander back to the kids every so often, but it was good practice to focus on other topics.

Back at home, our toddler had woken but the Babysitter had dealt expertly with her, lying in our bed with her, then offering some milk, then finally lying with her again before leaving her to go quickly back to sleep.

I was amazed and in awe that now I could reliably have a night out every two months while someone warmly and gently took care of my children. J

Reading....for Pleasure (shock, horror, gasp)

2009-11-05T21:30:00.003+11:00

I’d forgotten how nice it is to read a good novel. To be able to just “disappear” into this whole other world…

For a good few years, all I read was either work related or parenting related. I thought I didn’t have time to read, but now I make the time!

Even if it’s just for ten minutes, it takes me away to another universe AND it stops my brain from thinking /worrying about a hundred other things.

Because I am obviously a bit of a rule nazi, I have made two simple rules for myself in this regard:

a) easy reads only; and light hearted stories - nothing full on emotional or depressing (I have the same rule for movies at this point too). Call me superficial, but it’s meant to be a time out…

b) no reading with the kids or other interruptions around – I like to know that if I’m going to pick up the book, even if it IS just for 10 minutes, I’m going to be allowed to “travel” with it without interruptions.

I never take it to the park with the kids for example. If I’m at the park with the kids, I’m with the kids. Even if they’re happy playing on their own, the risk of being interrupted mid-sentence is too high… this way they’re happy (about the attention) and so am I… M

Orange Peel....

2009-10-30T20:25:00.002+11:00

We were having one of those moments.

The Spring sky was piercing blue. Kids zipped down blue slides or jumped from big green frog to big green frog. “I can go higher than you,” children chanted at each other on the swings. My daughter was playing with one of her favourite friends. There was plenty to be grateful for.

“How are you?” Marjan asked.

“I’m ready to leave the kids with my husband and move to South America for a year. I’ve had enough. I’m over Motherhood. I’m exhausted. Five years of interrupted and low amounts of sleep, the kind they torture prisoners with, certainly contributes to it. But it’s less the physical exhaustion than the emotional well used for “giving out to my children”. It’s empty. My soul is exhausted,” I told her.

“O my God, I’m so glad you said that,” M said. “So am I.”

Being able to share our burn out with another was therapeutic in itself. We don’t hear others say it often enough, in fact we’d been under the illusion that we were the only ones! But if we were experiencing it, so were a lot of others.

We asked ourselves, “What would help alleviate the exhausted soul? What would rejuvenate the soul, give it back its zest? What would fill up the emotional well so we weren’t drawing on empty?

When you're giving out to others, there's got to be something to give from. That well needs constant attention and topping up. Otherwise, eventually, there will come a time when the well says, "Nope, got no water. Not a bucket, not a cup, not a thimble. Just some dry dust down here."

So we left the questions hanging that afternoon.

We thought Orange Peel would be a way to start answering those questions, to reach out to others and share ideas and experiences about emotional rejuvenation.

We’ve started “The List ” and we’d love you to add your ideas to it of what do you do to fill the well?

Then take “The Challenge”. Let us know how it goes, we'd love to hear.

Retail Therapy

2009-10-30T20:23:00.001+11:00

It sounds a bit cliché (and possibly inappropriate, in the aftermath of the GFC), but it is not just (or even mainly) about spending – it’s about unadulterated, guilt free ME time. So there are rules:

i) TIME – leave at least 2-3 hours. You don’t want to be rushing around looking for things. It’s got to be stress free.

ii) NO KIDS - or it would hardly be therapeutic! J. Ideally they should not even be in the vicinity! (E.g.: if leaving them with dad, it’s best if they stay at home, rather than come along and dad stays with them while you shop. Somehow, it’s just not the same).

iii) ONLY FOR YOU – if it’s ME time, it’s got to be about ME. No entering, or even LOOKING at any kids’ clothes, men’s clothes, gifts for a friend… anything that is not strictly for YOU.

iv) SALES – not a firm rule, but I found it helps to go during the sales and/or to a factory outlet type place, just to ensure the shopping isn’t slightly tinged with guilt about the spending afterwards.

I tried it and I loved it! I got a few items for my VERY neglected wardrobe; but mostly I think I just enjoyed feeling “free”, roaming around the shops without my brain working overtime to amuse the children while I hurriedly tried something on or trying to plan the week ahead, just doing something solely for ME. M

Pizza Gang Burns the Witching Hour

2009-10-30T20:22:00.001+11:00

After five nights of weaning my 18 month old from boobie at night it was me experiencing the witching hour. I was snappy and angry and there were no more clocks to throw at the wall - they were all in pieces in the bin. I wanted a way out of those last two hours before hubby got home and I hid myself in the kitchen, looking into empty cupboards, too tired to get to the shop.

So yesterday, in the late afternoon, my daughter invited herself to a friend’s place. I grabbed some pizza dough from the fridge, a bottle of pessata, mozzarella cheese, black olives and my daughter’s yellow playdough rolling pin then drove the kids over.

One kid rolled the dough, another sat on the bench. Three more played. The pizza took ten minutes on high. I was smiling and talking and using my fingers to eat apple, lettuce and Feta cheese salad. This beat the witching hour blues, in fact it elevated it to a night to remember. J

The List

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What do you do to put the "zest" back into your life....?

Find a Listening Partner
Create a Gratitude List of parents/friends you love and send them a postcard telling them how much you appreciate them.
Skinnydipping
Swim through witching hour - especially good for daylight savings!
Retail Therapy
Go to the gym - if you have kids make sure it has a creche
Reading for Pleasure
Go to the movies
Gang up with a friend and have a Pizza Night
Hire a babysitter or friend and have a night out alone with your partner
Pedicure
Blogging
Crochet or knit a little scarf or beanie
Cycling - especially in the country side.
Crafternoon - get a group of women together and make crafts
Yoga
Meditation
Your kids play - you play. Next time you're in the playground go down the slide and swing hight to the sky.
Massage - schedule it late in the afternoon so you can have dinner and go to bed.
Sing
Go out for dinner with other Mums.
Gardening
Dancing in the living room
Have a regular child swap arrangement and get some time out that way

Get PLENTY OF SLEEP zzzzzzz

Post here or email me - jedda22@hotmail.com

The Challenge

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Choose one thing from the list each week. Choose a time to do it, book it in with your partner and let your children know. There is a time slot this week that Mum is going to be filling her well. Then don't give yourself a way out.

This thing you're about to do is utterly essential, for you and flowing on from that, for your partner and children.

This is going to save you later in the week - it might be the difference between screaming at your child for making a normal mistake and having the patience to wade through it and use it as a useful experience.

Lastly, let us know how it goes, we'd love to hear.